this is me..

I was just so fascinated with Judy Ann and Ryan’s wedding shown last night. Although I’m a bit sleepy, but I was touched with their gestures seeing the couple so in love with each other, and the way Ryan reacted when he saw Judy Ann walking down the aisle until she reaches the altar… “Oh God this is it!”. The way they hugged each other, the APO songs in the reception, oh gosh, “Love is really is in the air!”

I am starting again to be hopeless romantic. Last Saturday it was my restday and I heard this song from Richard Poon entitled “Kahit Ika’y Panaginip Lang” originally sung by Basil Valdez.

Hating gabi,
Gising pa’t naghihintay
Na maidlip at nagbibilang ng tala,

Sa karamihan nito’y mayroong isang natatangi
At sa tuwing tatanawin
Mukha mong nasasa-isip

Ewan ko ba,
Bakit pa nagpakita pa
Sa panaginip sana’y mamasdan ka sa tuwina

Kahit na di na gumising pa
Huwag lang malayo sa piling mo
Iniibig kahit ika`y panaginip lang

Stay in love.. This is not the end of the world. As what Judy Ann says in one of her interviews, she took 26 years in waiting for the right guy, and she did it. She deserves to happy and one of the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen

Two weeks after my mourning stage, I must say that im 90% okay. 10% still missing him so badly…

Nakatulong ang paglalasing, ang pag iyak sa araw araw para maibsan ang sakit na iyong nararamdaman. Salamat sa Diyos, isang panalangin ang dininig niya, ang gawin akong manhid kahit panandalian lang (at sana magtuloytuloy na). Mga gawain ng mga emo at mga taong hindi na normal ang pag-iisip. Nakakatawa kung iisipin pero “if it’s the only way to be with his memories”. Mag movie marathon ng One More Chance for the 5^th time at When Love Begins for the 2^nd time, ang pumunta sa perfumery section ng mall at Duty Free to get a sample ng David Off at lahat ng bagay na nagpapa-alala –in his memory (parang namayapa lang..) LAHAT SA NGALAN NG STUPID LOVE!

Im on the second stage (o third stage na yata). Im done with denial, mourning stage at ngayon.. ACCEPTANCE and moving on.. (ouch!) Although, sadyang matigas pa rin ang ulo kung minsan, can help not to text him, hanggang what’s up? And I miss you na… SOBRA!. Nakatulong din ang girls night out at and never ending pictorial hobby ko at syempre hindi mawawala ang ultimate stress therapy ko, ang Bench Fix Salon, magpaganda, magpaganda, magpaganda to the highest level at stay in love (kahit wala). Yesterday, exactly one month, I just had my haircut again. Para maputol na rin ang bad vibes. Stay beautiful!

Exactly also this day, I can still remember when he didn’t even bother to reconfirm our supposed to be date the next day. And today (date when this blog will be posted) exactly this day when I last saw him. I can’t deny to myself that I do really miss him so badly. I guess his memory will still be in my heart – the way he smiles, the way he cracks jokes, the way he talk, ahhhhhh everything! Wishing him well, looking forward to see him again, SOON…

I’m ready to meet again someone, goodluck na lang.

Sunday, ang huli kong pagsulat sa blog. Isang isipang magulo, full of questions, bakit? bakit? Until I got to talk to our friend who’s with him that time. Hindi ako alam gusto na nyang sabihin sakin, tumigil ka na, you’re just hurting yourself. Pero ang dali lang sabihin na mag move on ka na, di ganun kadali yun..

Lunes, medyo light ang araw. Medyo makulimlim ang paligid, sing kulimlim ng nararamdaman kong sakit. Parang wala ng bukas para sakin. Niyaya ko ang bestfriend ko para uminom, I WANNA CRY OUT LOUD!!!! to the highest level, sabi nga ni Ate Anna. Sabi pa nga ng kaibigan namin, sa Harbor Square na lang, kaso baka patayin ako ng bestfriend ko kasi malayo sa sakayan nya pauwi. Hanggang napagkasunduan namin sa Intramuros, lugar kung san kami nag aral, “bringing back the old times”.. Bumili muna kami ng chicha para naman masaya, uminom kami sa isang lugar na pribado at tahimik, wala ganong tao. Pagkakataon na rin to para makasama ko ang bestfriend ko, na kahit officemates kami eh parang di kami nagkikita.. Nakakatuwa ang naging kwentuhan, may wholesome, tungkol sa mga naging classmates namin, sa mga taong naging mga bahagi ng mga buhay namin… and with that, we’ve got 2 bottles of San Mig Light. Carry pa naman.. “Lets drink to that!” Hindi pa natatapos ang trip namin. Nag yosi kami, hahaha! briniging back the college days, after ng bible study namin sa LYCESCA, pag may mga out of town tours kami.. haha! samakatwid, di ko naman talaga gusto ang lasa ng yosi, gusto ko lang talaga mag angas minsan, pero nauubo talaga ako. Ayun na nga, nag yosi kami sa harap ng Lyceum, haha (nagtago lang kami baka makita kami ni ano).. Dumating na ang friend namin, nakita pa nga kaming kasalukuyang nag yoyosi.. Konting introduction, konting kwentuhan until bumalik kami sa lugar kung san kami uminom. Ayun, wala pa rin tao, hanggang lumalim ang gabi, dumami na ang tao. At mga bote ng Red Horse ang tinira namin.. Ayos!

Habang dumating na ang malalim na kwentuhan…. Hindi ko na makaya, hindi na ko makapag salita, gusto ko ng sumabog at ilabas ang sakit sa kalooban na aking nararamdaman. I hugged my friend and cry out loud! I really don’t care anymore kung tinitignan na nila ako. Loud as in parang namatayan… (way back SEAIR days, tequilla naman ang tinira ko). Nahihilo nako, pero patuloy pa rin sa pag inom, sabayan pa ng yosi.. Hanggang sinabi ng bestfriend kong tara na, masakit na uko ko, lasing na si Kathy..

We decided to leave. Dahil 3 na kaming tipsy, sino ang uuwi mag isa? Although LRT is still open, di naman nila ko pasasakayin. Until our frend decided na ihatid ako. Di ko na nakikita yung nilalakaran at tinatapakan ko. Siguro kung hindi ako hinatid, malamang nasagasaan na ko, o kundi man kung san na ko dinala ng cab. Sa madili’t sabi, lasing na lasing ako… nawalan ng taong minamahal
Kinabukasan, pumasok akong may tama pa, di pa nakaka get over sa mga ininom ko. Ang sakit na ulo ko!!!! parang binibiyak. Siguro salamat na rin, naging manhid ako, walang sakit na nararamdaman, i felt relieve, siguro dahil nilabas ko na sakit ng pakiramdamdam ko..

Sadyang masukista nga talaga, tinext ko pa rin sya, matapos ang lahat, simpleng “nyt” lang naman, at pinaunlakan nya naman ito. Namimiss ko na ang mga “huhuhu” nya sa text.. hay, nakakamiss naman talaga sya..

Isang kanta ang pwedeng magdescribe sa nararamdaman ko.. “Let The Pain Remain”

“Somehow I know
Quite a part of me isn’t changed
Since you’ve been gone”

“Like a sturdy tree
That’s seen a thousand seasons,
I’ve to shed my leaves in winter
To grow them back in spring
To welcome life again
To welcome you

So goes my life;
Still believe in dreams of having you around
Too bad mem’ries
Feed the mind and not the heart
Where I want you to be

So I ask myself what you have left behind for me
To go on each day to live
As if I have you once again
What else is there that’s real
But all the pain that I feel”

“So let the pain remain forever in my heart
For ev’ry throb it brings
Is one more moment spent with you
I let the pain
Bring on the rain
If that’s the only way
If there’s no other way
To be with you again”

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan. From the past experiences, history repeats itself. “From frequent to NOTHING”. Anong mali, bakit? san ako nagkamali? Paano? Bakit? Paulit ulit. What’s wrong with me, ang hirap maging clueless…

I will still go on, parang kasama ko pa siya, hanggat di pa napapagod ang puso ko magmahal…. hay!!!!!

Kahapon, isang buwan ng nakakalipas, ng una ko siyang nakita at nakilala. Naalala ko pa ang gabing iyon, maulan, at hindi naman talagang inaasahan ang aming pagkikita. “Masarap kausap”– walang patay na oras, palabiro sa madaling sabi, parang ako. Hindi ko rin malilimutan ng matapos ang gabing iyon, ang mga salitang “good night dear!”.

Nagdaan ang mga araw, nagkaka-usap naman kami. Bagamat ng mga panahaon na iyon, ako’y nasa isang sitwasyon na hindi pa “over” sa isang taong minsan ko ding minahal. Unti unti, bawat oras na syay aking makakausap, isang ngiti saking mga labi, at sobrang saying hindi mo maipaliwanag. Noon na lang ulit ako nakapag puyat sa napakatagal na panahon para makipag-usap sa bagong kakilala, “getting to know” ika nga.

Bawat oras at bawat araw unti unti akong nahuhulog sa taong ito. Sabi ko pa nga saking sarili, ikaw na ba ang hulog mula sa langit at sagot sa mga dasal ko mula kay St. Jude? Ngunit sinabi ng aking mga kaibigan ko, wag muna lahat, “enjoy ka muna”.. Sabi ko bahala na..

—

Sinubukan ko, sumugal ako, at nagmahal muli. Pero bakit ako nasasaktan ng sobra sobra. Madaling sabihin ang mag move forward ka na, pero hindi. Sadyang masukista nga yata ako, hanggat hindi pa napapagod ang puso ko para magmahal, mamahalin ko pa rin sya, kahit gano pang sakit ang dulot nito sakin sa araw araw. I am really hurting. Pakiramdam ko, para akong lumalakad ng walang ulo, sugatang puso at kaluluwa. Hindi ko alam kung pano bubuuin muli. Minsan pinagdadasal ko, sana turuan na lang akong maging manhid, para hindi na ko nasasaktan na ganito. Sabi nga nila, kung magmamahal ka ng tao, its either 0 o 100% lang, hindi pwede ang downpayment, para masasabi mo sa bandang huli nagmahal ka ng buo. Wala nanaman akong oras na hindi umiiyak, lalo na kung maalala mo ang isang taong minsan naging bahagi din ng buhay mo. Siguro “If I were a boy even just for a day” sabi nga ni Beyonce, mas marami pa kong mapapa ibig.. Ang hirap, hindi ko alam kung kanino ako dapat maniwala. L

Can you tell me
How can one miss what she’s never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that’s to late
And how could I really mean the words I’m bout to say

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it’s impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

[Verse 2]
I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say I should’ve grabbed you up and never let you go
I should’ve went out with you
I should’ve made you my boo boy
Yes that’s one time I should’ve broke the rules
I should’ve went on a date
Should’ve found a way to escape
Should’ve turned a almost into
If it happened now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn’t real
And if it didn’t happen why does my heart feel

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it’s impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

[Verse 3]
(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)
And you seem to be the perfect one for me
You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)
You’re all that I ever wanted
And you’re my everything yes its true
Boy its hard to be close to you
My love
I know it may sound crazy
But I’m in love with you

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it’s impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there (sometimes I wanna rub ya)
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce (but tonight I wanna love ya)
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said its impossible to miss when you never had
Never, never almost had you (but tonight I wanna love ya)

** Yesterday, my friend share me this song by Tamia entitled Almost and I wanted to share the lyrics with you. This is really what I am feeling now…

I really hate myself, I can’t get over it. No matter how I tried, to ignore it, can’t help not to cry. Eto nanaman ako, walang lugar sa pag iyak. :(( Sana binigyan man lang ako ng sign.. :((

Hindi na ngayon isang linggong pag-ibig ni Imelda Papin, dalawang linggong pag ibig na..

Two years ago, I just read an email regarding PSEUDO RELATIONSHIPS, meaning, you two are just happy, there’s no US, but it’s just me and you. You’re doing what a normal boyfriend and girlfriend thing and you just like taking a drugs it’s because you’re too high and happy on what was going on. This kind of relationship happens for two individuals (either the guy or the girl or it can be both) who are not yet ready to commit themselves. This kind of relationship can be good at first but then when things went wrong (in which you can’t really figure out what’s wrong) you can feel so much pain, the kind of pain that you’re feeling when you’re in a true committed relationship, that sometimes you feel that you can’t really go on.. But you need and you have to. Sana this pain is PSEUDO PAIN din, hindi rin totoo..

Moving on, I just hate myself for falling in love with a wrong person again for the Nth time (di ko na mabilang). Its just that Im not learning from the past maybe because I’m not that kind of person, I don’t know how to play, to enjoy.. yung guy thing di ko yata kaya un. Hindi naman siguro siya wrong person, wala lang yata ako sa timing. Nagkamali ako, di pa pala siya yung bigay ni St. Jude. It’s really hard sometimes to accept that you have given your time and effort for just nothing. Mahirap talaga pag yung taong yon naging parte ng sistema mo.

Ganito na lang ba parati, pag ba successful ka sa studies, sa career, bagsak ka ba talaga sa lovelife. Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng taong isasagot ko sa taong I had from the past that I haven’t found someone like you, pero nakita ko na siya, kaso nga lang, kaso nga lang talaga, madaming kaso! and it hurts me a lot. Tama si friend, you might end up hurting. Siya yung taong may chem., parang ako, nakakinis lang talaga, mali nanaman ako. Kahit ano naman ang isulat ko dito di naman niya to mababasa kaya ok lang din. Yung common friend lang namin, na trusted ko naman na hindi nya sasabihin.. huhuhu naiiyak tuloy nanaman ako. I thought I could be better in time, parang naging worst pa.

Sabi ko get over na, pero ung wallpaper ng laptop at music player ko yung picture namin. Pero inerase ko na ung number nya sa phone memory ko (nasa sim pa rin naman) saka ung call log ko wala na rin sya.. Siguro it already reaches the end, marami pa yata akong dapat patunayan.

Great St. Jude, in heavens glory, patron of all hopeless souls..

I feel like a bomb. After suffering from conjunctivities (a.k.a sore eyes) and was asked by the doctor for house confinement for 3 to 5 days, im really super bored. I miss every mornings, waking up very early, eating my breakfast, waiting for the lrt at monumento station, i miss wearing my uniform, my “pasaway” passengers, the airport, everything! Im just here, texting all day, internet, soundtrip, eating…. bomb talaga!

Looking back on the things I did for this week, I had so much fun. Without Kat temporarily by my side, our after office bondings, I made my own bondings seeing people I havent seen for nth year. I also had new batch of friends from ** my batchmates hehehe..

Finally, I got to meet Lester, for almost 6 long years. Nahihiya lang ako kasi parang napilit ko pa ata sya tas di pa kami sabay umuwi. You know, things happens are really out of your control. I never expected that I’ll be seeing Fritz along the way in Makati along with their friend Chris. Sobrang cool talaga sila kasama! As in just to compare lang.. Especially Chris, in which I really see myself in him, bubbly, makwento, nag ppray before meals, before driving, makulit, and all.. very me!

I got the chance to got his number thru Fritz. And we got along well. Though he always teases me with thier friend… (moving on and getting over stage na nga eh ayaw pa tigilan!) I dont know this feeling if some things that he said were true, but then, there are situations that still complicates. I was thinking that, is he the one that was given to me by St. Jude? Is he my answered prayer? Is the KTV date will still pushed through? Hay… I think this gonna be love!
 

I know I will be better in time!

I never expect that I’ll be on rest day today.. I missed our house in Bulacan, sleeping all day, eating, sleeping again.. Hay, buhay princessa for atleast 2 days eh it’s really a big thing for me! After having split off last month (parang OFW), not taking lunch due to hajj season, hay….

Maraming nangyari over these past few months. Ms Mai finally resigned, atleast she’ll now take her rest, with peaceful mind and heart. Mahirap naman talaga pag merong feelings involved sa work, nakakaloka yon (based from experience). Kat now takes her place in the airport, finally na convince ko sya at magkakasama na kami ni Mutya sa GF-APT, ang saya, Lyceum H-275, 375, 475 extension, hahaha with Haze on the side (CX nga lang). Nag dinner na rin kami ni Job, kasama nga lang si Mond.. hahaha.. Medyo nakakapunta punta na rin ako ngayon sa mall kasi andyan na si Kat, dinner/ lunch/meryenda bondings naming tuwing uwian sa MOA sa Glorietta kung minsan..  Gaya kahapon..  nag Christmas party na rin kami sa Ops saka sa GEC. Masaya ung party namin sa ops, Manila Bay Cruise J and for the GEC party, never thought na we’ll be in the same party na nila Ms. Maia, Jenell and Ryan.. tas ang bonggang bongga naming Grease presentation at higit sa lahat ang Rookie of the Year Award ko, honoured and happy for the recognition J

Eto loveless pa rin, mukhang mauunahan pa ko ni Mutya.. Sana Christmas gift na lang sakin ni Jesus ung guy ko.. Si Crush, sabi ko nga sa mga colleague nya wag na kami asarin kasi mukhang lovelife naman niya si friend.. Tas eto mukhang sa MU stage naman kami ni ano, ayoko na sana ng ganun, pero hanggang kelan nanaman etong masayang feeling na to, although nagkaaminan, pero kumplikado pa sa pinakakomplikado ang sitwasyon namin..

Hay pasko nga naman, nakakalungkot na ewan… Ayoko naman maging welcome to the club, pero habang tumatagal ako sa airport mukhang ganun na nga.. so sad..

Hopefully, I would be able to post this blog. Nakakaasar naman kasi na disconnect ako.. naku, If betterfriend Simon and Apple would be able to read this, sorry naman po, I didn’t mean na manggaya, pero wala lang, yun talaga eh.. J it just inspires me to make more and bigger sales in my daily transactions in the airport, kaya more LS to come!!! (wag lang ma under quote! Hehehe)

Sabi nga ni Ms. Mai, parang ang bait nya, and it really shows. Everytime I saw him in the departure lobby (ahem, Kathz, dahan dahan sa pag describe, remember, friendsters kayo at nung colleague nya), it brightens my day every time he smiles. Hanggang smile na lang ata talaga! Gusto ko na yatang ma conscious baka I blushed na rin… hala.. Yung biruan sa coffee, kelan kaya matutuloy yun? In 11 days time, birthday ko na, at ayan, parehas na ung off namin for November every Mondays.. (hahaha asa!). pero lam mo naman na halos lahat ng bagay na nangayayari sakin eh sa kasamaang palad eh puro false hopes lang.. L Nakakaasar kahapon lang ako inabot ulit ng 8pm sa airport since (kunya kunyariang peak season) di pa natuloy..

Hay, Im looking forward to know him better. Common kaya namin talaga ang pagiging certified lakwatero namin “ang travel!” We did know each other’s numbers, but we’re not textmates either.. Hay, ewan.. Kathz, nagiging impatient ka nanaman..

Batman, bahala ka na…

This was the song that we heard from our (first.. and i don’t know if this will be the last) date along the windy Roxas Blvd. baywalk.. Honestly, this is really my first time to hang out in that area because Im not used to in Manila.. Nakakatawa lang to think, do intelligent people doesnt really know how to drink? hahaha… Tipsy na ko for a one and a half bottle of San Mig Light (kasi hati daw kami dun sa isa).. Naalala ko talaga yung sinabi nya sakin when we’re drinking and while waiting for the “pulutan”.. “Ano yan, tubig? wag kang mag angas angas dyan, dahil pag ikaw nasuka sa taxi bahala ka..” How sweet diba pero, I realized that while spending long time with him, you got to know him better.. What you really see in him, is really what you get!.. Yun sya! Actually, never expected for him to go with me especially seeing me in Bench Fix Salon, naniwala na lang ako when he texts, traffic.. Meaning its true.. and when he text “arte mo, andito na ko sa likod mo..” After which we had our dinner (at ako ang taya!) Nakakatawa lang talaga, lahat kinokompute! Kamusta namang date un?

Anyway, its really mixed emotions though, its not really happiness. Imagine for a month of not seeing him, but then, sino ba naman ako? Eto nanaman ako, 2nd option.. Is this really love, or its just only my mind who keeps on loving him? Tama sya, bakit nya nahulaan yun, I don’t entertain because of him… Im really confused, oh my God.. Am I really important with him? Or can we just love each other from afar, that we both know for the fact that “THERE’S NO WE” be each other..So sad.. ang pag ibig nga naman, hahamakin ang lahat pati… *****.. I’ll just remember him na lang through this song.. batiin mo kaya ako sa birthday ko?

Ikaw naman, yung coffee, lumamig na, coffee pa rin hanggang ngayon.. hehehe.. Pero thank you for making me smile..